


Dial M For Man, She's Hot.

by Anonymous



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, Everyone is Bisexual, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 18:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21202190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Where Eleanor is not in a Noir film and Chidi just wants to do his job. Ethically.





	Dial M For Man, She's Hot.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [celaenos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/celaenos/gifts).

\---

"Who was the dame with legs on top of legs?"

"Honestly, Eleanor, I didn't say anything when you started wearing the suspenders but you are aware this isn't a noir movie from the 40s, yes?" 

She rolled her eyes. If she didn't love Chidi so much she'd give him a wedgie. Or at least make him choose between the red and blue skittles for their front office desk. So it probably was a good thing was he bejeesused all those ethics into her. Still, it was hard not to drown in thoughts of gorgeous brown skin under the pricey looking floral-print dress. Eleanor's thumbs slid along the length of her suspenders before snapping them into place, waiting a beat, then two. With still no response from Chidi, she had no choice but to park her butt on the desk they once retrieved from, well, not quite a dumpster. "Spill, nerd boy. What's she come here for?"

Chidi, of course, didn't look up from his stupid unsexy book through his stupid sexy glasses for even a second, too used to her by half now. "We have our confidentiality clauses framed up _on the wall_, you know? You don't need me to tell you that section 3 prevents us from discussing our clients even with each other unless we have extenuating circumstances."

Not for the last time she regretted setting her eyes on the incredibly serious (surprisingly hot) TA in her mandatory ethics class in college. Let alone opening up their PI firm together. (She still wouldn't be able to explain how that came about.) "Whatever, Cheeto. You're just bummed because I get the interesting cases and you're stuck with missing cats. P.S. Let's have dinner later." Her fish may not be as soul-satisfying as Chidi's grandmother's, but she knew he'd appreciate the effort.

\---

Sexy giraffe came back again a week later, looking like something out of classic Hollywood with her enormous hat and the exotic lilt of her voice that Eleanor could barely make out through the door (not like she was _actively eavesdropping_, some of Chidi's lessons did stick). She wasn't alone this time, accompanied by a guy (who was easy on the eyes, sure, but looked like he'd struggle to pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel). Of course, it was thanks to the kid, and one very interesting, wildly hilarious video on YouTube involving him tripping over his laces while setting off fireworks that gave Eleanor more to work with. She wasn't just a pretty face for the front that was their PI firm (her cousin would never leave her credit card details lying around again, ha!), and was soon armed with names. The barest nod of acknowledgement as the woman left with her Jacksonville genius was all that preceded her bursting into Chidi's room again. "Tahani Al-Jamil!"

Chidi, in his post-startled 'lets-ignore-my-weird-partner' state, was torn between steadying the glass of water on table that was almost knocked over and deadpanning his words. "Figured out her name? You must be a detective or something." 

"Come on, man, 'fess up. You're more than a little impressed. And don't worry, I won't tell Agu I can still dazzle you with my awesomeness. Now tell me. What is it? Is it an inheritance thing? I feel like its an inheritance thing. And no offense, but why else would someone that loaded come to our place? Does she wanna get rid of the Jacksonville kid? She was wearing the gloves of a murderer. Oh my god, did you tell her we aren't hitmen? I don't think we could kill, could we? No, we can't...unless. No, _no_, Chidi. You were an ethics major - I don't need to tell you we can't kill that dumb Florida ki-" 

"Eleanor, breathe," Chidi interrupted her rambling, which okay, rude, but she also wasn't expected to let her go on for so long. It couldn't be helped though - whether it was the jogger with the ridiculously over-sized earphones (he wasn't overcompensating or anything), or the blonde at the cash counter (cheeks the same color as her bangs) who sometimes slipped in an extra madeline with Eleanor's order, or even Stone Cold Steve Austin - Eleanor was painfully bisexual. And an absolute sucker for a pretty face. Chidi patiently waited for her to get out of her thoughts, "She doesn't want to kill him. But. Still not telling you what she came for."

She was _so_ gonna make him pick dinner the next time.

\---

Eleanor let out an unapologetic burp. The fantastic boyfriend that he was, Agu saved Chidi the agony of making a decision by cooking them a meal instead. It was forking (dammit, Agu's nephew wasn't even around, she ought to be able to swear) brilliant; he had even got the shrimp that Eleanor liked so much but damn if that was going to distract her from her plan. She had studied up quite a sizable amount on one Tahani Al-Jamil - her charities, her GQ covers, her interviews, her ballet recitals - goddamn was there anything this woman couldn't do? All that beauty and brain and _that accent_, gosh, if she had one more margarita, Eleanor might have quite possibly cried. As it were, she was plenty sober to pester Chidi.

"You don't have to tell me, you know. I know what she came for." A dramatic flair revealed her unlocked phone, screen showcasing a flashy photograph of Tahani with an older old man. "This Michael dude is her boyfriend, isn't her?" Not her husband, no matter what the gossip rags claimed. Not her sugar daddy either, not when Tahani seemingly had more money than the big G-man upstairs. "And she wants to blackmail him! He has weird kink. No, wait, nudes. No, wait, he's married. No, he's in a Scientology cult. No-" 

"No."

"No?"

"No, it's none of that. And no, I'm not telling you what it is."

She frowned at Chidi, then her phone, then at Agu's lemon squares, then grinned at Agu's lemon squares, then straightened her features. "Mark my words, buddy," she said, mouth half-full with a giant bite of the lemon square. "I'm gonna figure this out if it's the last thing I do."

"You know, if you put half this effort into figuring out who broke into Gunnar and Antonio's apartment-"

"They did it for the insurance money, you know that. And there's no evidence left behind so they clearly hired profes...oh! She's a _jewel thief_!"

"Eat the squares, Eleanor."

\---

Eleanor obviously didn't give up, but eventually it had become more of a halfhearted game between them. She continued to come up with outrageous reasons only partially inspired by movies from the 50s and Chidi continued to stay tight-lipped about the whole thing. Her nights (and some days) were spent mooning over pictures of Tahani, both online and in her head. Except now it wasn't just thinking about unzipping her dress and pulling off Tahani's sheer stockings with her teeth, although that did feature. It was also going on long walks on the beach and skipping stones in the water, eating store-brought microwave popcorn and watching terrible movies (she was willing to bet good money the posh woman had never seen Magic Mike), dancing in their pajamas and trying not to burn the eggs while they were too busy making out instead of focusing on breakfast. Thank Christ she already knew how sappy she could get when she went out with Chidi, otherwise this whole pining schtick would have made her nauseous. 

It was clearly getting to her enough when she could've sworn she saw Tahani looking back at her too. Well-hidden by her shades, but Eleanor could read between the lines. Of course, she might have been reading too much into it. Even if Tahani was into women, she probably wasn't gonna give it the old college try with a bit of strange. Eleanor knew the circles they ran in were two mutually exclusive hoops. Still, it didn't stop her from wearing her trusty bisexual plaid, or rocking her suspenders and bowl hat combo, in the hopes that Tahani would see the green signal bright and clear from her end. And yeah, she wasn't sorry for the dropped-my-pencil trick either. No reason Tahani couldn't appreciate the goods.

\---

Her entire life had been an exercise in not getting what she wanted till she tried very hard, used every possible means - right or wrong, and sometimes not getting anything even then. When Chidi told her Tahani was coming in to make the final payment that afternoon, Eleanor was ready to wrap the chapter up in a pretty little bow and leave it be. So she really couldn't be blamed, taken aback as she was when after the woman left, Chidi nudged at her with an elegant looking umbrella, "I may have not drawn her attention to the fact that she left this behind. And it may rain. And if you run now you may catch her in time and hand it over. And if you happen to ask her out while-" 

Hugging Chidi quick enough to grab the umbrella, she raced down the rickety stairs, two at a time. Only to literally bump into the towering inferno of her dreams reentering the building. "So sorry," and wow did the accent sound even more posh and exotic this close, "but I think I mi...ah, my umbrella. Thank you for bringing it." 

Words. She needed words that weren't just a casual 'no worries'. Even though that was all she managed to splutter. Tahani stared at her for two thundering heartbeats before she turned to walk away, possible fore-

"Dinner!"

At least that caught her attention. In response to one perfectly sculpted raised eyebrow, Eleanor continued, "Would you like to go out to dinner sometime? As a date. On a date."

Outside it had started to rain, but narrow hallway practically lit up with Tahani's smile.

"I thought you'd never ask." 

\---

"So why did you come to us? I mean, the first time - not every subsequent visit where you clearly wanted to leer at the smokeshow that I am." 

They had been going our for a couple of months now. Eleanor had almost ticked off most of the things on her 'things-to-do-with-and-to-Tahani' list. (Didn't mean a damn thing when each passing day in their relationship made her want to add new things). She didn't have much to complain about. But, dating the knockout of an attractive skyscraper did not have to mean that people could ignore the second, just as attractive part of the power couple they made. Besides, Tahani was clearly smitten enough that she found Eleanor's unfettered self-confidence cute. Win-win for the Shellstrop-Al-Jamil twosome.

"It was the most ridiculous thing. Sir Lancelot had gone missing and I was absolutely convinced that Kamilah had something to do with it. And Jason mentioned that he may have seen her giving Sir Lancelot the stink-eye. Of course, he had smoked more than a little marijuana and Sir Lancelot found his way home in a couple of days. By then, of course, I needed my own pocket-sized girlfri-"

The rest of what Tahani wanted to say was cut off by an Eleanor very keen on shutting her up, then aiming to have Tahani be loud in other ways. Three hours later, however, it came back to her. She was right from the very start? "You wanted Chidi to find your missing cat?"

Tahani smiled, and leaned down to kiss Eleanor oddly sweet; especially when you considered all the filthy things that had already transpired between the sheets. "Dog, actually."

\---

**Author's Note:**

> I had a great time writing this. I tried to cover a bunch of stuff in your YES PLEASE column simply because it was so fun to incorporate. And I may have put in the Eleanor in suspenders imagery just for my own id but I hope you enjoy it too. Happy Halloween, dear celaenos and all other readers!


End file.
